What do you guys think of the state of modern marriage?
Marriage always means something different to different worldviews. The Buddha’s opinion on it was similar to that of modern liberal secularists: a merging of common interests and emotional love. A shared life, bound by shared happiness and unhappiness. The Buddha listed five things a good husband should be/do, and five good things a wife should be/do. That is why there are also Buddhist ethics for divorce, should the marriage fail. For the Judeo-Christian model, Christ is the head of the household, and husband and wife are united in body and soul with the Holy Spirit in the sanctity of marriage. Whatever your perspective on it, there is one thing all reasonable people should, in my opinion, agree on: marriage should never be a contract between husband, wife and the government. Sadly, in my opinion, this is the case in many areas of the developed world. Largely because of this we have seen a rise in divorces, misplaced trust, shattered hopes and increased rates of abuse of the system as well as “child custody”.
Unlike many others who advocate Men’s Rights, I hesitate to put the blame on feminism, or post-feminism, entirely. I mean, surely we can we have equality without competition? Men want a supportive partner in a wife, not a competitive fighter. I have spent two years doing my own research and reading into feminism and how it affects society, whether through law legislation or the media. I have also looked at it from alternative perpectives, including the Eternal Bachelor, the Mirror of the Soul, and more. I do not agree with much of what these guys say (except for Eternal Bachelor, he is pretty funny and pretty cool), but I believe the Men’s Rights movement makes sense to a large extent. And I do believe to a degree that second-wave feminism has sold modern women a big lie: that they can have it all, casual sex, a high-flying career, and an outstanding social life. Unfortunately this sort of utopian vision for women is restricted to a miniscule minority, and the vast majority did not realize that contrary to popular perceptions, men in general did not enjoy high-flying careers, unless you counted plumbing, engineering, or working at a gas station “high-flying”. Careers were jobs, jobs that men use as a means to an end, and that end is to support their families. What does that mean? Many jobs can be boring.
My humble opinion is that those who honestly enjoy happy marriages need to come forward more often and tell people how it happens. “Secrets of Happily Married People” my foot! Tell others! Whatever happened to sharing ideas. I think this is one of the best ways to improve the state of marriage today (whether you think its in a good or bad state doesn’t matter).
What do you guys think of this?
“Secrets of Happily Married People”
Aren’t there books written and published about this? :) As for how it happens… Dumb luck! Possibly karma. No idea. The connection, I have to admit, also needs to be right. Again, maybe karma.
As for staying happy in a pairing, mutual respect & mutual not taking oneself too seriously. Realistic expectations and understanding on both sides. A library of shared Buddhism books is nice! And being wary of the illusions and expectations of marriage perpetuated by the media and possibly relatives. Every marriage is unique, I think it only matters that the match is balanced and works.
Also, weddings are such a source of stress and make most females stupid, I almost think weddings should be banned from marriages. (I am female and I am saying this.)
“Aren’t there books written and published about this? :)” Indeed there are. And I think that while books are nice, these “secrets” should never have been secrets in the first place.
I’ve heard weddings are a big thing for the ladies. But if they were a bit more mindful, perhaps they’d realize everyday with their husband has the potential to be as loving and intimate as a wedding day. But hey, I am a bachelor, so feel free to ignore what I’m saying :)
I firmly agree… I commented on Mark’s blog, writing that it would be helpful if couples were taught how to be married. There’s such a big rush with couples and they sometimes fail to see the “big” picture.
Great post!
Matthew
Hmmm, the above made me come up with this –
http://www.moonpointer.com/index.php?itemid=1246
metta.
Raymond,
The hype of the battle of the sexes and how it affects marriage is a red herring. These are simply excuses for people to say why their marriage does not work. Marriages do not fail because of “Feminisam” or “The Mens Movement”. Marriages tend to fail because couples get married for the wrong reasons, they do not prep for the marriage, they do not communicate well with each other, they have unrealistic expectations of what will happen after they are married.
I’ve been happily married for 23 years now. The secret? No secret, really. It’s finding someone who shares or at least respects your passions, goals, and values, and allows you the freedom and space to practice them.
At no point in our marriage have I considered it something I had to put a lot of extra effort into making it work. From my experience, if a marriage is founded on the simple principle I mentioned above, it pretty much steers itself.
One of the main things that keeps our marriage on the level is compromise and respect for each other’s feelings, interests, etc. Much like what ebwrite stated. I guess you could call it being mindful of the other person’s needs. Just some nuggets that have seemed to work for us. That and constantly seeing yourself in them and loving them just for who they are and not trying to change them to what YOU want them to be. My wife and I are yin and yang and it works well. We balance each other out.nicely :)
By the way, I just added you to my blog roll.
Secrets to My Happy Marriage were pretty much covered in my post Love Is The Ultimate Outlaw
http://naturalhigh.wordpress.com/2006/12/03/love-is-the-ultimate-outlaw/
I need a partner who is committed to the juice and the untamed beauty and the rawness of true intimacy. And when I found that guy, I found the one who is right for me. If marriage is more important than love- I mean, if you are tolerating what love requires of you in order to get married- then the marriage is going to be safe and slowly toxic.
When marriages work, the partners share their wonderful story, staring, er, themselves. When marriages don’t work, well, then it’s the war, the economy, his inlaws, her inlaws and (yes) the government.
Personally, I don’t like the traditional patriarchial system in government, religion, and society, but especially in marriage. Why, I wonder, would anyone want to be married to somebody whom the world considers “less than” them? That’s not a partnership. Not for me, at any rate.
Valid opinions all. Everything makes sense to me. I like James’s yin-yang analogy. A trivial but funny problem I see with this particular analogy is that if one is quiet and shy and the other is loud and obnoxious. Many dislike obnoxious people. =)
15 years in, still no marriage. It’s become an administrative issue. If it ever happens, it’ll celebrate what we have and cause us to reflect on it, the good and the bad but I would hope that it wouldn’t actually change anything.
(Why bother this late in the game? Children, laws, taxes…)
Even before marriage, someone who begins a relationship in hopes of finding happiness and not loneliness is setting up for failure. The key is to find happiness in ourselves and then share with another.
I have also been researching this same subject and found that if one person relies on certain actions from his/her spouse to be happy, that person will never find happiness. Chances are the spouse does/says many things to show their love, but these actions don’t resonate with the other, since they don’t fit that person’s expectations.
If we learn to ‘read’ our spouse and the ways they show love, rather than have specific expectations, then we can begin to feel loved.
In relationships, patience is needed. To love and give love is what’s most important. I believe when two people find one another and find a way to make it work, that’s all that matters.